Its Ok Not to Forgive. We Need to Forgive. What’s True?

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Society communities, support groups, yoga philosophy is built on forgiveness. This idea you will feel more complete more whole, less pain, less stress.

What if I don’t? What if forgiving someone who purposely hurt me makes me feel like I did something to deserve it.

I bring this up because everything I read tells me forgive and forget. But what if someone hurts you on purpose. How do you say it’s ok and then move forward?

That feels more like an enabler then being the bigger person.

It feels like what they did was ok.

When you think about people that hurt children? Do you want to forgive them?

I don’t. Because these children blame themselves and shame themselves, and they grow up to be adults who are told you’ll feel better when you forgive. No! I won’t.

It’s ok not to forgive. It’s ok to know what they did was wrong and not want to forgive.. Not now not ever.

Forgiving in this situation means that it was ok, what you did was ok– and it wasn’t!

Listen I’ve been there, wearing shoes of the forgiver and the apologizer. Yes, forgiveness feels good. All around it feels good. But if you don’t want to and your insides are saying no, we aren’t going there yet… then don’t!

Take this a bit further to any relationship. Let’s say there’s an issue and you resolve it. Then 2 days later the person does/says the same things. You feel disrespected and now, unheard. You feel humiliated because it stings even more. It always stings more when a forgiven wound reopens.
Do you forgive?

I’m sure eventually you will. It’s ok in a moment not to forgive. It’s ok to wait and deal with your annoyance and anger. It’s ok to say “I’m not ready to forgive you.”

Actually it’s freeing. It allows you to set boundaries for what you will and won’t allow. It allows you to decide how people will treat you.

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

Forgiveness is not just a flyer you pass out hoping for peace. It’s a sacred right of passage into your life.

“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.” ~Webster’s Dictionary

Why would you want to wish your offender well? Someone who purposely hurt you? Victimized you? Abused you? Disrespected you?

Maybe one day. Maybe never. Either way it’s ok. It’s ok to stand by something and say it’s not ok, it’s unforgivable.

I believe in forgiveness don’t get me wrong. I think it’s very important. I just don’t think it’s always necessary in a moment.

It’s not a prayer. A sermon followed by an Amen. It’s not like a thank you which is usually followed up with an you’re welcome. We give out I’m sorry’s like candy. Let’s gain a little self respect and patience before we succumb to some martyrdom.

And screw anyone that tells you different. Because unless they are wearing your shoes– they don’t get to decide.

Once you forgive you let your heart open and let them into a space of gratitude.

It’s your journey. Don’t let anyone rush your forgiveness… It’s sacred.

I wrote this about two weeks ago.

There’s so much passion, so much strength, so much belief in it. I realize now I was mostly speaking from the victim perspective. Off my high horse.

I recently had an interaction where someone told me something I said was unforgivable.

Tan-ta-nuh-na (hear the sound of law and order gavel bang) sound of truth, sound of a lesson.

Truthfully, I wasn’t sorry I said it. It was my honest opinion about a situation and how I felt. But it hurt them. For which I am deeply saddened,heartbroken and sorry. It wasn’t meant to hurt it was how I felt in a moment.

In that moment I knew what it was truly like to be unforgiven. You can’t survive a relationship, you can’t have a connection if there is no forgiveness.

I know this and yet I myself forgot, and needed reminding. Thank you universe.

You as the person withholding the forgiveness. You will not be able to move forward. You will keep thinking about the words, the act, and you get to stay on your high horse because you get to be right. I know because I have been there. Many times.

Look around from up there, off your horse. Is there anyone else with you?

Usually it’s just you and your imaginary horse. No one to talk to, no one that understands, no one to love, and no fun. Just you and your memory of how you were wronged.

You have to be able to forgive if you ever want to put the shit behind you and be happy. Even the example of the acts done to children, at some point when you become an adult you realize that what happened made me stronger and smarter.

In my opinion I’m grateful for the lessons. As horrible and shitty as they were in the moment, but that moment has passed. I am no longer that person and I am no longer defenseless. It’s time to let the light in and stop guarding your heart from the joy and love it deserves. The only way to do that is through forgiveness.

Is there something you don’t want to forgive? Do you see it holding you back? Do you feel you replay the hurt over and over?

When will you shed that? Give yourself a time frame… 2 days, 2 months, 2 years because if you don’t have a time frame you will replay the hurt scene for a lifetime.

Don’t waste your lifetime. Forgive now so you can let go of old hurtful memories and open your heart to real enchantment.

Its liberating to be this way (see below)forgive

Image Credits:
wikihow.com
notsalmon.com

 

 

2 Words That Rocked My World

life-inspirational-believe-justin-bieber-tour-love-quotes-Favim.com-552683“At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” –Christine Mason Miller

 Its scary when I sit down to think about it, how much of my life revolved around fears, expectations, guilt and what others thought of me.

I spent my days on the corner of living-for-others and doubt. Doubting what I had to say was important. Doubting I could make a difference. I finally looked in the mirror one day and realized I was a robot! No fun, no emotion, no ME to be found anywhere! Living in mom, wife, daughter, sister –isms: perfectionism, optimism, never-stir-the-pot-ism, always-please-ism.

This had to stop and I had to get MY-SELF back! I missed Me. The Me that laughs at my own jokes. The Me who wears her heart on her sleeve. The Me that is just as much free and fabulous as I am bitchy and bossy. The Me that likes to have honest conversations!

I BELIEVE! I believe I can be that girl again. I believe I will make a difference in the world. I believe what I say is what I mean. These two words completely transformed my life and give me faith to keep going. And in doing so I’m paving the way for others, more importantly, for my own girls!

Its no surprise that my baby girl who is 4 is a wild child! I actually do love it! Yes, there are moments when she is pulling me in my 4 inch heels with a sari on, or when she’s trying to sit on my head after I’ve just made myself presentable, or when she’s screaming (her version of talking) in a quiet plane ride with only 40 people…she can seem a little overwhelming.

Especially when people are constantly coming up to you at family events saying, “your younger one is crazy, she’s tough and the older one is so nice.” I want to say walk away before I puke on you. Instead I smile and say, “well that’s why she’s my daughter and not someone else’s (raising an eyebrow)!” …For me that’s a pretty damn good answer, normally I would have smiled and moved on feeling embarrassed and wanting my daughter to act “normal” for just a couple hours.

Instead I smile knowing she’s my daughter for a reason! I’ve always believed she was special,  in a way that only I can understand. Recognizing that all that “craziness” is really just bottled up love! She loves that hard! GO HARD or Go Home, I guess!

When I recognized this about her, it helped me to keep moving forward confidently as her momma. I believed that if I speak to her with the same logic and respect I show others it’ll sink in…eventually. Our conversations usually go like this:
Me: “Naya, if I was jumping on you and pushing and pulling you, would you like it?”
Naya: “No!”
Me: “Then treat others the way you want to be treated. Use your words or hugs and kisses. You don’t need to be rough. Who is Naya?”
Naya: “Naya is nice to people. Naya is fun. Naya kisses and hugs people. But Momma, I just feel like to be rough sometimes.”
Me: Still reasoning. “Well I think if Naya is kind and gentle and if she showed people her love by hugging and kissing and tickling, she wouldn’t want to be rough.”

She listens, takes a few breaths and then usually goes back to being a monkey.

And then the most amazing thing happened. Last night around 9pm in the carride home from the airport, “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry came on the radio and baby girl says, “turn it up please.”

Because the signal to the radio station was muffled, I plugged in my phone to play the song, she says, “momma can you play Wahe Guru” (version by Niranjan Kaur, a song we chant together sometimes). Shocked I said you don’t want to listen to Katy Perry. AND THIS IS WHERE SHE SHOCKED ME, “No, wahe guru helps me not be rough, it calms me…”

…….YES STILL SHOCKED! My husband and I sat in silence, finally speaking to say, “that’s powerful!”

WOAH! All because I believe! I believe in her. I believe in Me. I believe in miracles! Its that simple? I believe!

It sounds too good to be true…well I challenge you. Try it. Say it, believe it, and live it! The really crazy, mind-blowing thing about it, is if you say it and believe it, you will find a way to make it happen. And along the way we allow others to show us their own light.

Our Universe is built to answer our beliefs. We have to believe. If more people believed then imagine the endless possibilities!

“No One Has Ever Become Poor By Giving”

–Anne Frank

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I grew up in an Indian household where we treat others, family, friends, guests in our home as God. We give them all we have, even if it means we go without.

When I was younger, I was like ‘say what?’ That little girl gets to go home with my toy because she’s a guest in my house! My parents would just give away something that’s mine!

But now I can understand that that’s the only way to be. Only when we give, can we truly receive. My reward for my generosity was received by hugs from her parents, by gratitude from my own. I did end up getting a new toy, which consoled the little girl in me, but most importantly, all of me can attest that I received Love!

All of us have so much to give, whether smiles, kind words or just our company. These are all things that require no money, no work, just time, and love, and kindness! Its free and we have it within us!

The world isn’t asking for it. Sure, you can say, “uh tell that to the telemarketers who call for donations to made up organizations.” Yes, some people are asking. But for the most part the starving children, the whales, even your own family, friends, and neighbors, they aren’t asking!

Yet we feel an innate sense to give. When we hear about a heartache that came over our friend, we want to be there with them. When we see our children crying, we want to pick them up and make them feel better.

The faith in humanity starts with giving without being asked. Giftivism, Karma Kitchen, Smile Cards, Because I Said I Would, these are all projects started to just give. GIVE with no expectation to receive. Give because the universe and other human beings have great faith in what humanity is capable of.

So many times we are just waiting around for someone to ask. We wait for an invitation to hang out. We wait for someone to call us. We wait for people to tell us what they need. Stop waiting! We know what we want to do, we know how to get it done. OH, but what’s that word…ahh FEAR!

We live in fear, fear of what others will think, fear of what-ifs, fear of being rejected. Yet we know the only way to get past fear is to do anyway.

Recently, I had a very important appointment set up, I knew it would be life changing. It was causing me all sorts of extreme feelings from anxious and shameful to relieved and self-love. I kept all this bottled up in my thoughts and my mind.

Seeing me go through my daily routine, no one could tell I was in a constant war with myself on the inside. I was both my own friend and my own enemy. Talk about confused!

I knew one thing for sure, I so badly wanted someone to hold my hand through it all. But I never spoke up, actually I was ignoring calls from my family and friends.

The light bulb went on when I confessed to my sister that I didn’t ask my husband to come because I didn’t want the pressure of putting him out; That I knew he wanted to be there and was secretly hoping he’d just make it happen.

AH-HA! We all want to feel loved and supported but are afraid to express it. If we ask for someone to give, we feel like we are imposing. If we give without being asked, we feel like we are imposing!

What a colossus circle of fear, a glorified and tolerable version of:
“You say it first.”
“No, you say it first.”
“No, you say it first.”

Someone say it! I know that honest, straight-forward communication is always the highest goal in life and in any relationship. However, in moments of stress and sadness, fear takes over and makes us into Stuttering Stanleys.

We have to recognize this, first in ourselves, so we can acknowledge it in others. I admitted to my husband that I really did want him to come. (If I’m being truthful, this confession came after an unnecessary outburst about something totally unrelated like morning breakfast.)

I apologized for not being honest about my feelings and mostly I apologized for the unnecessary drama I was creating in our worlds.

He actually said to me, “I took off work to be with you at your appointment. I wasn’t telling you because I didn’t want to put pressure on you! I want to be there, even if we don’t say a word. I want you to know you are never alone.”

Talk about Powerful Words! Talk about Giving! Talk about LOVE!

I’m grateful that my husband in this moment taught me that we as humans have the ability to give and give and give. Something as simple as just having a meaningful conversation, spending some time together, saying “I Love You!” Can change the entire energy in your world.

From Now Until Infinity

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I came into the world with happiness as a goal.
I came in wanting to change fear into compassion.
I came in with more love than I knew what to do with.

Then I realized adults dominate children.
I learned they put their hands on you wherever they want.

My spirit died a slow death early in life.
Gone was the sprinkles and the sparkles.
Gone was the innocence.
Gone was the love I came to give.

Now I rise; knowing more, paying my karmic dues.
Filling the void of tears, pain, judgment, criticism,
With self-love, self-acceptance, and self-confidence.

I stand taller. My shoulders resting on my back.
Head held high and heart beating through my hands.

I am brave. I have a voice.
My spirit healed and ready to soar.

I saw the skies open up to me.
I saw the sun shine through me.
I felt the earth support me.
I found my God…within me.

And I promise to love her fiercely–
From now until infinity.

I’m Nobody’s Role Model

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I recently have had a few of my dearest cousins and friends say, “you are truly my role model.” My immediate response was, OMG! How amazing! How sweet! I even said thank you and had a massive smile on my heart.

AND then reality hits!

Although, I am so grateful and appreciative that someone would see me this way. Role models come with expectations and goals and the pressure to be on my best behavior. Think about your role model. Some of you may be thinking about athletes, philantropists, or celebrities. Do you think you put some pressure on them to be the best…for you?

Let’s take Tiger Woods, for example. Fantastic golfer and probably a huge role model to many many people out there. Unfortunately, when all the stories surfaced about his personal life, think about how many people were shocked, offended, maybe even hurt.

Why? Because he was titled their role model. Did this mean he wasn’t still a great golfer? No. He is still a great golfer. Did this mean he was going to lose tournaments? No. He still wins them.

What’s the problem then? The problem is we expect role models not to screw up. We hold them to a higher level of output. Is that fair? I mean these people are great at their trade, but may have a lot of growth that’s needed in other areas of their life.

Athletes, writers, singers, they are fulfilling their purpose, they are doing what makes their soul happy. Its very easy to see that and want that for yourself. Especially if their trade is what you’ve always dreamed of doing. We may even take it an extra step and try to imitate them and dress like them, some how we think it will get us closer to our dream.

The truth is only YOU can bring you closer to your dream. Know yourself. Know what you like, don’t like, what kind of person you truly want to be. If you try to copy someone else, you may be disappointed. Just for the pure fact that you are dressing like Beyonce and your body type is Winona Ryder. The point is Be You!

When you live for you, you stop relying on someone else to do the work. Looking up to a role model means sometimes we see how their life progressed and think that that’s what we have to do. Well she went to this college, so I have to go there. She has 4 kids, maybe I should… I hope you are LOL’ing literally, because you know how ridiculous this sounds. What if your happiness doesn’t lie in having 4 kids? You will be sorely disappointed… and your poor 4 kids?

Look within, do the work and find out where your happiness lies. I am not saying don’t let people inspire you. Of course, look to these actors, athletes, poets, presidents and be reminded of how great someone can be if they believe in themselves. Don’t look at them to imitate their life path, or lifestyle. Its not yours.

So, as grateful as I am to be able to be someone’s role model. I have to say, please don’t do that to me. Because I may mess up. I may eat an extra piece of cake or take that shot of fireball that’s going to put me over the edge.

I spend about 95-98% of my life trying to be healthy, full of wellness. I spend maybe 2-5% living with the idea of moderation. If I want a piece of cake, its because I want cake. If I want a glass of wine, its because I want a glass of wine. Nothing outside of that, it doesn’t mean anything. Well it means, I’m still a work in progress too.

But if I was your role model and you don’t believe in drinking or eating sugar 100% of the time, you may put the pressure of “why are you drinking or eating cake?” on me, and that’s not good for anyone.

If you want to be a PT or a blogger or a mother or meditation teacher or … great! Let me inspire you to see that when you believe in your dream, your truth, yourself, you can do anything!

In the end we are all just souls in human form. We have life lessons, we have a journey. Look to someone else’s story as inspiration rather than something to model; so that you can tell your own story and let it inspire others…