We Are All Crazy

MjAxMy02MGUyMmUwYmI0YmZhMzcyIt amazes me how many clients come into a session and want to talk about their mom, sister, wife, even neighbor, just to avoid talking about themselves or worse to send the message, “You think I’m crazy…you should meet my wife!”

When you were growing up, did you ever tell your parents about something scandalous that a friend did so that you could look better?

Of course you did! I think we all did at one point or another. Maybe not as a child, but there’s a reason the scene with a few co-workers “meeting” at the water cooler talking about Jill at last night’s Holiday Party is so common and popular from commercials to movies to real life.

We aren’t doing it maliciously to tarnish anyone’s reputation or wish them ill, or so we think. We are doing it because somehow our ego’s have spent so much time convincing us that we aren’t good enough and then it turns around and helps us make someone else not good enough to build us up. What a bitch that ego is?

Well we are like puppets allowing the ego to manipulate us. What’s that quote…oh yes: “Control your mind, before it controls you.” 

Do you ever wonder why everyone always talks about that one girl? Or picks on that one guy?

Its because we think we have to be like everyone else to be happy. And if everyone else is talking about that girl or guy, then you should too, otherwise you’ll be the outcast. So we take this open, truthful, trusting, vulnerable person, who is willing to be honest about their actions and we shame them.

Its true! When you gossip, when you spread the word, even just talking about it in that I’m-not-trying-to- judge… but-I-am kinda way, you are shaming this person.

The truth is that we all have issues. How else do you explain our actions of throwing someone else under the bus to make ourselves appear better. We think we aren’t good enough and then think we are by judging someone else.

Just sit with that for a bit… We think we aren’t good enough. AND THEN. Make ourselves think we are good enough or BETTER by judging, criticizing or belittling someone else!

Just read that over and over until you realize that that’s some kinda crazy! I mean that’s like the Leaning Tower of Pisa saying (if it could talk) that building next to it is the one that’s crooked; because from where The Tower is standing and looking, the other building is that one that appears to be leaning over.

Well of course it is. When we aren’t willing to deal with our own inner blocks, fears, issues its much easier to point them out in others. And as long as we are pointing the finger at Outcast Girl, we will never have to show up. We will never have to have to worry about looking within; never have to worry about being outcasted or being as crazy as her. Well here’s a wake-up call: that makes you crazy! So….

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As you know from my blog, I’m a pretty open person, willing to talk about my personal life, my own fears, conditions, experiences and traumas. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized this openness actually plays into this scenario of allowing people to point fingers my way. Why?

  1. Because most people don’t know that we ALL have stories. Stories we created from our experiences and traumas when we were little. Those stories contain our fears and those fears become heightened as we have adult relationships and experiences. Only when we really acknowledge and let go of our stories by changing our thoughts and actions, can we heal.
  1. People aren’t as open to talking about or sharing their true emotions, feelings and fears and it allows them to point fingers at people, who are.

So naturally people will say things like,
“My childhood wasn’t as bad as yours.”
“I haven’t been through what you have been through.”

No you haven’t. You my friend, have been through your own stuff, so be honest with yourself. And remember the more you know the more you’ll have to do.

Which means that you no longer get to point the finger, “share” someone else’s story or criticize or judge someone else because you’ll now have to focus on looking within to find and heal your own crazy 😉

Get the conversation started by sharing with those you think would benefit!
And a special Thank You for taking the time to read and care and share!
Love your support ♥

Here’s to 10 years of Healing … Together

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Maybe because my big 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up or all my single 20-something cousins are constantly being bombarded with questions of marriage, or most of my clients have been talking about their own marriages, but one thing is clear, Marriage is the topic of the week.

Most people are expressing the opinion, people get married too young. I can’t help but ask, “is it that they are too young, or that they don’t really know who they are?”

I know people who are 23, completely self-aware and know their boundaries and I know people who are 40 and still discovering themselves. The point is not of age, but on self-knowledge. If I don’t know what I will and won’t stand for, my own likes and dislikes, how can I possibly expect to understand someone else’s?

Better yet, if I am not acknowledging my own needs, wants, goals, dreams, can another person really be the key to my  happiness, and thanks to Jerry Maguire, expected to “complete me”?

My story started out as a confident, independent, bubbly 23 year old, who knew one thing for sure, I did not want to get married and I did not want to have children.

Well the universe had different plans in store and sent Rik, into my life. It felt like, instant humor, instant love, and instant marriage, too busy having fun to realize the depth of what it all meant.

Reality hit when we moved in together and it was truly like Venus meet Mars! I just had never experienced this much intimacy with a guy before. Every-day you will be here? I will see you, think of you, talk to you… 24 hours a day? I don’t know if I can handle that much of my own self.

Even as I signed away the rights to my middle name, (formerly my father’s first name, now to be replaced as my husband’s first name) burning tears streamed down my face. This drama was my ego’s way of trying to hold on to the little self-dignity I did have. It didn’t matter if my name were changing to Phila-Lemon Patel that day, it didn’t change the fact that I didn’t know what I wanted, who I was or what my boundaries were.

At some point in our marriage, together, we realized we were both lost kids, trying to find our place in the world. I’m grateful because it made me realize that, no, we don’t need to break up because his socks are all over the bedroom and closet floor. No the D word (divorce) doesn’t need to be addressed every time he doesn’t follow the grocery list exactly. And no, bathroom hygiene is not a cause for separation.

Although, can we just take a moment to thank the Home Building Gods for creating his and hers sinks, which I’m pretty sure extended my marriage by a few more years!

Finding that thin line between bringing up things that need to be worked on without succumbing to the D word has been the stepping stone of my marriage. That and the presence of love.

Not just the love we feel as humans for all living things, but also the kind where his words make my heart smile, his voice brings joy to my soul, and his touch still sends shivers down my spine! That feeling that no one else will possibly do.

In case you didn’t get it, let me state, my marriage is far from perfect. My husband has slept in our guest room for months, we’ve done silent treatments for days, screaming fits for hours and I’ve even had tacos thrown at me, and for a man that loves his food… that’s saying a lot! I’m grateful that through it we ended up finding our selves, finding our own boundaries, and finding out why we are still together: love, faith, communication and hard work!

1. Always Have Faith.

My husband more than me kept faith that we will always be together. Even from what seemed to be rock bottom with no light shining in, he had faith we’d climb out to the top… together.

Without faith there’s no reason to really keep going, if there’s no belief that the marriage will last than why try? I’ve learned that yes, one person can hold the faith for a relationship, maybe temporarily, but its like a flame, it will burn until it uses up the last of its fuel, then it must go out. One person holding the faith is still burning that fire.

2. He Can’t Read Minds.

When you put a guy who doesn’t volunteer information unless asked and a girl who is constantly trying to people please without being asked, there’s a whole-lot of hoping the other person will ‘just know’ what you need. True story, no one is that consistently great of a mind reader.

So we learned to actually talk! Even little things like, I am feeling tired so I may get irritable, it has nothing to do with you. Even saying come home early today, I really need a hug. If you want to pick me up some flowers on your way home, I’d be ok with that!

Where’s the spontaneity? When the communication lines are open, it opens the door for spontaneity, fun, and more love!

In the beginning of climbing out of rock bottom we had to say every thing that was on our minds with the voice of our heart. (I don’t think this stage is ever really over, it’s the definition of honest communication).

3. Its Work.

No one wants to open Pandora’s box or that messy drawer in the kitchen, because you don’t know what you’ll find. But without bringing up the suppressed feelings, the deep cuts, I couldn’t have possibly found peace or freedom in myself or in my relationship.

For without feeling sadness you cannot feel true joy, without fear there is no courage, without grief there’s not undeniable love. All of which requires your time, effort, tears, and vulnerability. Everyday you work to fight your ego and say what you feel anyway.

You do this to clean your energy, your self, your relationship and your karma. You do this to heal together. I’m lucky, its working for me, and I guess I have my ego to thank for that, because as my best friend pointed out, I stayed through the drama, the tears and the nasty spats because it was a little less than the pain I was causing myself. I’m lucky that my husband was going through the same thing. I’m lucky he wanted to heal. I’m lucky he wanted to redefine our marriage too.

My marriage will always be a work in progress, otherwise what’s the point. But one thing I know for sure, I wouldn’t be living, loving, doing, growing if it wasn’t for him and his faith in me to be able to heal together.