Its Ok Not to Forgive. We Need to Forgive. What’s True?

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Society communities, support groups, yoga philosophy is built on forgiveness. This idea you will feel more complete more whole, less pain, less stress.

What if I don’t? What if forgiving someone who purposely hurt me makes me feel like I did something to deserve it.

I bring this up because everything I read tells me forgive and forget. But what if someone hurts you on purpose. How do you say it’s ok and then move forward?

That feels more like an enabler then being the bigger person.

It feels like what they did was ok.

When you think about people that hurt children? Do you want to forgive them?

I don’t. Because these children blame themselves and shame themselves, and they grow up to be adults who are told you’ll feel better when you forgive. No! I won’t.

It’s ok not to forgive. It’s ok to know what they did was wrong and not want to forgive.. Not now not ever.

Forgiving in this situation means that it was ok, what you did was ok– and it wasn’t!

Listen I’ve been there, wearing shoes of the forgiver and the apologizer. Yes, forgiveness feels good. All around it feels good. But if you don’t want to and your insides are saying no, we aren’t going there yet… then don’t!

Take this a bit further to any relationship. Let’s say there’s an issue and you resolve it. Then 2 days later the person does/says the same things. You feel disrespected and now, unheard. You feel humiliated because it stings even more. It always stings more when a forgiven wound reopens.
Do you forgive?

I’m sure eventually you will. It’s ok in a moment not to forgive. It’s ok to wait and deal with your annoyance and anger. It’s ok to say “I’m not ready to forgive you.”

Actually it’s freeing. It allows you to set boundaries for what you will and won’t allow. It allows you to decide how people will treat you.

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

Forgiveness is not just a flyer you pass out hoping for peace. It’s a sacred right of passage into your life.

“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.” ~Webster’s Dictionary

Why would you want to wish your offender well? Someone who purposely hurt you? Victimized you? Abused you? Disrespected you?

Maybe one day. Maybe never. Either way it’s ok. It’s ok to stand by something and say it’s not ok, it’s unforgivable.

I believe in forgiveness don’t get me wrong. I think it’s very important. I just don’t think it’s always necessary in a moment.

It’s not a prayer. A sermon followed by an Amen. It’s not like a thank you which is usually followed up with an you’re welcome. We give out I’m sorry’s like candy. Let’s gain a little self respect and patience before we succumb to some martyrdom.

And screw anyone that tells you different. Because unless they are wearing your shoes– they don’t get to decide.

Once you forgive you let your heart open and let them into a space of gratitude.

It’s your journey. Don’t let anyone rush your forgiveness… It’s sacred.

I wrote this about two weeks ago.

There’s so much passion, so much strength, so much belief in it. I realize now I was mostly speaking from the victim perspective. Off my high horse.

I recently had an interaction where someone told me something I said was unforgivable.

Tan-ta-nuh-na (hear the sound of law and order gavel bang) sound of truth, sound of a lesson.

Truthfully, I wasn’t sorry I said it. It was my honest opinion about a situation and how I felt. But it hurt them. For which I am deeply saddened,heartbroken and sorry. It wasn’t meant to hurt it was how I felt in a moment.

In that moment I knew what it was truly like to be unforgiven. You can’t survive a relationship, you can’t have a connection if there is no forgiveness.

I know this and yet I myself forgot, and needed reminding. Thank you universe.

You as the person withholding the forgiveness. You will not be able to move forward. You will keep thinking about the words, the act, and you get to stay on your high horse because you get to be right. I know because I have been there. Many times.

Look around from up there, off your horse. Is there anyone else with you?

Usually it’s just you and your imaginary horse. No one to talk to, no one that understands, no one to love, and no fun. Just you and your memory of how you were wronged.

You have to be able to forgive if you ever want to put the shit behind you and be happy. Even the example of the acts done to children, at some point when you become an adult you realize that what happened made me stronger and smarter.

In my opinion I’m grateful for the lessons. As horrible and shitty as they were in the moment, but that moment has passed. I am no longer that person and I am no longer defenseless. It’s time to let the light in and stop guarding your heart from the joy and love it deserves. The only way to do that is through forgiveness.

Is there something you don’t want to forgive? Do you see it holding you back? Do you feel you replay the hurt over and over?

When will you shed that? Give yourself a time frame… 2 days, 2 months, 2 years because if you don’t have a time frame you will replay the hurt scene for a lifetime.

Don’t waste your lifetime. Forgive now so you can let go of old hurtful memories and open your heart to real enchantment.

Its liberating to be this way (see below)forgive

Image Credits:
wikihow.com
notsalmon.com

 

 

Back To The Future

Let me start by saying, I’m sorry. I’ve been missing for quite awhile. Please don’t mistake it for negligence, as I missed this interaction so very much. But as life goes…I was  living and experiencing and dealing with the circle of life. As anyone knows, getting back on the bike can be scary. It’s scary after 1 week, 3 months and then the fear takes over the longer you hold off.

On this new moon, a new intention to keep this conversation going… Here’s to falling off the wagon and getting bank on! ❤️

back

Have you ever looked around at your relationships, your job, your extra-curricular activities, your circumstance, your daily routine…  your life! And thought I have no more change left to give? Like the maroon 5 song, I’ve spent all my change on you. And yet when I look around at my life, I can’t help but think where am I? Where’s the joy? The laughs, the fun?

I mean I’m not asking for unicorns and adventures. I have become a realist in all the change, and realize that life is ordinary. What else would it be? We brush our teeth, take a shower, get dressed, go to work, eat timely meals, do timely things. it’s important..very important, no one wants to live with grimy teeth and hangry mood swings for days. I mean I get it. Life is supposed to be ordinary. But where is the smiles, the laughter, the happiness?

Have you felt this? I remember when I was young, I would smile at the sky, laugh when unnecessary and rainbows filled the air around me. I was career oriented and family oriented and I’ll-try-anything-once, twice or three times-oriented. I was that girl who thought anything was possible and no person, place or thing could take my spirit! “Ain’t-no-one-gonna-tell-me-what-to-do” spirit!

Aww man. What now? Where do we go from here? Feeling like “I’m at a pay phone trying to call home, all of my change I’ve spent on you.” (Adam Levine 😍)

The only place left for me to go is back to myself. I’ve moved forward so much that I have lost me. I’ve changed so much I don’t know who I am. I’m sure you’ve felt it? Maybe you’ve been feeling it and I’m just catching up?

Either way, it’s time to go back! Back in time like Michael J Fox and back to the future and bring me up to speed! Really. This is unacceptable. I spend my life changing into what I thought was me, and I’m not sure I know this girl. Let’s rewind girlfriend and get that spirited girl back to the future!

What does that look like?

For me, atleast, it looks like saying “shit” without looking around. Heck saying anything about how I feel and being proud instead of guilty. It looks like smiling because you remembered a scene from Porky’s!! It looks like passing Go and collecting $200!(monopoly reference)
It looks like removing all the constraints of should be, should say, should do and doing the opposite! It’s fun! Without needing permission. We are the adults now. We choose.

Before the commitment of becoming daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, therapist, teacher, coach. I made a commitment to myself! Without remaining true to that commitment, I dishonor anything else I commit to. Because otherwise, we inevitably end up in a place, where there’s no more change, and the only place to go, is back to ourself. Your true nature. Your true spirit.

“When you become the image of your imagination, its the most political thing you can do!” RuPaul (yes, you better work!)

Just imagine that!! What it would be like to become the image of your imagination!

Don’t imagine.. Lets do it! You with me!

Photo Credit: knowyourmeme.com

Rocco

IMG_0854Of all the things I share, this by far has been the hardest. I guess its time to be broken wide open…

Its been 1 ½ years since we made the choice to find you a better home. Although we see you surrounded by love, happiness and being the king you deserve to be. Not a day goes by that we don’t carry you in our thoughts and  in our hearts.


You Deserve More

I loved you from the first time I saw you,
In the barn that smelled of pine,
And was lit up like Diwali.

I loved you instantly as you put your head on my shoulders,
Like my own baby will also do some day.
I loved you from the time I held you shaking on the car ride home.
The first bath was kind of scary for both of us, but I loved you then too.

I loved taking care of you,
Seeing the relief on your face,
As I wiped sight into your eyes during an infection;
Or cleaning your ears knowing it will feel better in the end.
I loved that you made me a Mother.

I loved the laughs.
The times you were scared to walk on the road or over the gutters,
Or how you were petrified of crawling spiders,
Or when you growled at your own reflection in the window.

I loved the way you would sit on the landing,
Watching over the house, the kids, even me.
You were smart to know how to ring the bell to go outside,
Or go into your crate when the house wasn’t a safe zone.
And you were not at all a guard dog…
But you were my security.

Even when I came to see you and after our walk,
You watched me drive away in tears and agony,
I hope you know,
I will always love you…
But knew you deserved better.