Its Ok Not to Forgive. We Need to Forgive. What’s True?

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Society communities, support groups, yoga philosophy is built on forgiveness. This idea you will feel more complete more whole, less pain, less stress.

What if I don’t? What if forgiving someone who purposely hurt me makes me feel like I did something to deserve it.

I bring this up because everything I read tells me forgive and forget. But what if someone hurts you on purpose. How do you say it’s ok and then move forward?

That feels more like an enabler then being the bigger person.

It feels like what they did was ok.

When you think about people that hurt children? Do you want to forgive them?

I don’t. Because these children blame themselves and shame themselves, and they grow up to be adults who are told you’ll feel better when you forgive. No! I won’t.

It’s ok not to forgive. It’s ok to know what they did was wrong and not want to forgive.. Not now not ever.

Forgiving in this situation means that it was ok, what you did was ok– and it wasn’t!

Listen I’ve been there, wearing shoes of the forgiver and the apologizer. Yes, forgiveness feels good. All around it feels good. But if you don’t want to and your insides are saying no, we aren’t going there yet… then don’t!

Take this a bit further to any relationship. Let’s say there’s an issue and you resolve it. Then 2 days later the person does/says the same things. You feel disrespected and now, unheard. You feel humiliated because it stings even more. It always stings more when a forgiven wound reopens.
Do you forgive?

I’m sure eventually you will. It’s ok in a moment not to forgive. It’s ok to wait and deal with your annoyance and anger. It’s ok to say “I’m not ready to forgive you.”

Actually it’s freeing. It allows you to set boundaries for what you will and won’t allow. It allows you to decide how people will treat you.

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

Forgiveness is not just a flyer you pass out hoping for peace. It’s a sacred right of passage into your life.

“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.” ~Webster’s Dictionary

Why would you want to wish your offender well? Someone who purposely hurt you? Victimized you? Abused you? Disrespected you?

Maybe one day. Maybe never. Either way it’s ok. It’s ok to stand by something and say it’s not ok, it’s unforgivable.

I believe in forgiveness don’t get me wrong. I think it’s very important. I just don’t think it’s always necessary in a moment.

It’s not a prayer. A sermon followed by an Amen. It’s not like a thank you which is usually followed up with an you’re welcome. We give out I’m sorry’s like candy. Let’s gain a little self respect and patience before we succumb to some martyrdom.

And screw anyone that tells you different. Because unless they are wearing your shoes– they don’t get to decide.

Once you forgive you let your heart open and let them into a space of gratitude.

It’s your journey. Don’t let anyone rush your forgiveness… It’s sacred.

I wrote this about two weeks ago.

There’s so much passion, so much strength, so much belief in it. I realize now I was mostly speaking from the victim perspective. Off my high horse.

I recently had an interaction where someone told me something I said was unforgivable.

Tan-ta-nuh-na (hear the sound of law and order gavel bang) sound of truth, sound of a lesson.

Truthfully, I wasn’t sorry I said it. It was my honest opinion about a situation and how I felt. But it hurt them. For which I am deeply saddened,heartbroken and sorry. It wasn’t meant to hurt it was how I felt in a moment.

In that moment I knew what it was truly like to be unforgiven. You can’t survive a relationship, you can’t have a connection if there is no forgiveness.

I know this and yet I myself forgot, and needed reminding. Thank you universe.

You as the person withholding the forgiveness. You will not be able to move forward. You will keep thinking about the words, the act, and you get to stay on your high horse because you get to be right. I know because I have been there. Many times.

Look around from up there, off your horse. Is there anyone else with you?

Usually it’s just you and your imaginary horse. No one to talk to, no one that understands, no one to love, and no fun. Just you and your memory of how you were wronged.

You have to be able to forgive if you ever want to put the shit behind you and be happy. Even the example of the acts done to children, at some point when you become an adult you realize that what happened made me stronger and smarter.

In my opinion I’m grateful for the lessons. As horrible and shitty as they were in the moment, but that moment has passed. I am no longer that person and I am no longer defenseless. It’s time to let the light in and stop guarding your heart from the joy and love it deserves. The only way to do that is through forgiveness.

Is there something you don’t want to forgive? Do you see it holding you back? Do you feel you replay the hurt over and over?

When will you shed that? Give yourself a time frame… 2 days, 2 months, 2 years because if you don’t have a time frame you will replay the hurt scene for a lifetime.

Don’t waste your lifetime. Forgive now so you can let go of old hurtful memories and open your heart to real enchantment.

Its liberating to be this way (see below)forgive

Image Credits:
wikihow.com
notsalmon.com

 

 

I Live Here

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The sadness that no baby should have to feel.

The unworthiness no child should live with.

The words I’ve heard no girl should ever be told.

I’ve felt broken.

I’ve felt alone.

I’ve felt shame.

Ashamed of my body.

Ashamed of my self.

Fear, sadness, anger and rage lived inside of my being.

They spoke to my core.

My belief system tainted.

I found the strength to fight back like a wolf,

I could taste the blood of my assassins.

I could smell the smoke of their cremation.

Freedom.

Free to take residence in my own body.

To take residence in my self.

To take a seat in my own soul.

No one else gets to live here…but me.

Sister of My Soul

IMG_0295You may cut me with your stares,
You may shoot me with your words,
You may destroy me with your disbelief,
But I will still stand,
For in my soul there is courage,
In my soul there lies joy and faith and love.

The same love that is within you,
The love you ignore as you laugh at my falls,
Or throw lies at my story.

The same love that will bring you to stand with me,
when your soul is ready.

As I stand here as 1,
I thank you still for being my lesson.
For being my growth,
For filling my being with power so that I can keep moving forward.

As I stand here I am grateful still that I can see clearly
Feel infinitely and speak lovingly.
That you are me and I am you.

I see your fire burning to set a blaze upon the world.
I feel your love even from behind the masks of falseness.
I see your light hidden behind darkness and negativity.
I see your courage bleeding through your heart hoping to be seen.

As I stand with patience in my heart and love in my hands
I ask you to stand,
I ask you to smile,
I ask you to be vulnerable,
I ask you to be brave,
To come and hold my love,
So that I can stand here no longer alone… but as part of a sisterhood.

For you have the ability to dry my tears even through the phone,
The ability to wrap me with confidence even from a distance,
The ability to heal the deepest part of my open wounds with your kindness,
This potential lies within every girl, every lady and every woman,
To love whole hearted,
To accept without judgment,
To heal with just the presence of your light.

For you have the ability to speak to my soul, my sister.

Love is My Truth


There was a time when fear ruled my heart,
There was a time I thought laughing about your weaknesses was good thing.

I am wiser now.
I know my truth now.
I am love and love doesn’t do those things.

There was a time when fear held me back from communicating,
There was a time when I thought standing up for myself was too exhausting,
When silence became the best option.

I am wiser now.
I know my truth now.
I am love and love doesn’t do those things.

There was a time when fear was considered good, “makes a person stronger,”
There was a time when yelling was the only way of being heard,
When being alone was all I thought I needed.

I am wiser now.
I know my truth now.
I am love and love doesn’t do those things.

There was a time when lying about my feelings would make you like me,
There was a time when accepting my own needs seemed selfish,
When comforting you seemed like the best choice.

I am wiser now.
I know my truth now.
I am love and love doesn’t do those things.

Love is my voice.
Love is my truth.
Love is me.

From Now Until Infinity

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I came into the world with happiness as a goal.
I came in wanting to change fear into compassion.
I came in with more love than I knew what to do with.

Then I realized adults dominate children.
I learned they put their hands on you wherever they want.

My spirit died a slow death early in life.
Gone was the sprinkles and the sparkles.
Gone was the innocence.
Gone was the love I came to give.

Now I rise; knowing more, paying my karmic dues.
Filling the void of tears, pain, judgment, criticism,
With self-love, self-acceptance, and self-confidence.

I stand taller. My shoulders resting on my back.
Head held high and heart beating through my hands.

I am brave. I have a voice.
My spirit healed and ready to soar.

I saw the skies open up to me.
I saw the sun shine through me.
I felt the earth support me.
I found my God…within me.

And I promise to love her fiercely–
From now until infinity.