Society communities, support groups, yoga philosophy is built on forgiveness. This idea you will feel more complete more whole, less pain, less stress.
What if I don’t? What if forgiving someone who purposely hurt me makes me feel like I did something to deserve it.
I bring this up because everything I read tells me forgive and forget. But what if someone hurts you on purpose. How do you say it’s ok and then move forward?
That feels more like an enabler then being the bigger person.
It feels like what they did was ok.
When you think about people that hurt children? Do you want to forgive them?
I don’t. Because these children blame themselves and shame themselves, and they grow up to be adults who are told you’ll feel better when you forgive. No! I won’t.
It’s ok not to forgive. It’s ok to know what they did was wrong and not want to forgive.. Not now not ever.
Forgiving in this situation means that it was ok, what you did was ok– and it wasn’t!
Listen I’ve been there, wearing shoes of the forgiver and the apologizer. Yes, forgiveness feels good. All around it feels good. But if you don’t want to and your insides are saying no, we aren’t going there yet… then don’t!
Take this a bit further to any relationship. Let’s say there’s an issue and you resolve it. Then 2 days later the person does/says the same things. You feel disrespected and now, unheard. You feel humiliated because it stings even more. It always stings more when a forgiven wound reopens.
Do you forgive?
I’m sure eventually you will. It’s ok in a moment not to forgive. It’s ok to wait and deal with your annoyance and anger. It’s ok to say “I’m not ready to forgive you.”
Actually it’s freeing. It allows you to set boundaries for what you will and won’t allow. It allows you to decide how people will treat you.
“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman
Forgiveness is not just a flyer you pass out hoping for peace. It’s a sacred right of passage into your life.
“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.” ~Webster’s Dictionary
Why would you want to wish your offender well? Someone who purposely hurt you? Victimized you? Abused you? Disrespected you?
Maybe one day. Maybe never. Either way it’s ok. It’s ok to stand by something and say it’s not ok, it’s unforgivable.
I believe in forgiveness don’t get me wrong. I think it’s very important. I just don’t think it’s always necessary in a moment.
It’s not a prayer. A sermon followed by an Amen. It’s not like a thank you which is usually followed up with an you’re welcome. We give out I’m sorry’s like candy. Let’s gain a little self respect and patience before we succumb to some martyrdom.
And screw anyone that tells you different. Because unless they are wearing your shoes– they don’t get to decide.
Once you forgive you let your heart open and let them into a space of gratitude.
It’s your journey. Don’t let anyone rush your forgiveness… It’s sacred.
I wrote this about two weeks ago.
There’s so much passion, so much strength, so much belief in it. I realize now I was mostly speaking from the victim perspective. Off my high horse.
I recently had an interaction where someone told me something I said was unforgivable.
Tan-ta-nuh-na (hear the sound of law and order gavel bang) sound of truth, sound of a lesson.
Truthfully, I wasn’t sorry I said it. It was my honest opinion about a situation and how I felt. But it hurt them. For which I am deeply saddened,heartbroken and sorry. It wasn’t meant to hurt it was how I felt in a moment.
In that moment I knew what it was truly like to be unforgiven. You can’t survive a relationship, you can’t have a connection if there is no forgiveness.
I know this and yet I myself forgot, and needed reminding. Thank you universe.
You as the person withholding the forgiveness. You will not be able to move forward. You will keep thinking about the words, the act, and you get to stay on your high horse because you get to be right. I know because I have been there. Many times.
Look around from up there, off your horse. Is there anyone else with you?
Usually it’s just you and your imaginary horse. No one to talk to, no one that understands, no one to love, and no fun. Just you and your memory of how you were wronged.
You have to be able to forgive if you ever want to put the shit behind you and be happy. Even the example of the acts done to children, at some point when you become an adult you realize that what happened made me stronger and smarter.
In my opinion I’m grateful for the lessons. As horrible and shitty as they were in the moment, but that moment has passed. I am no longer that person and I am no longer defenseless. It’s time to let the light in and stop guarding your heart from the joy and love it deserves. The only way to do that is through forgiveness.
Is there something you don’t want to forgive? Do you see it holding you back? Do you feel you replay the hurt over and over?
When will you shed that? Give yourself a time frame… 2 days, 2 months, 2 years because if you don’t have a time frame you will replay the hurt scene for a lifetime.
Don’t waste your lifetime. Forgive now so you can let go of old hurtful memories and open your heart to real enchantment.
Its liberating to be this way (see below)