I Live Here

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The sadness that no baby should have to feel.

The unworthiness no child should live with.

The words I’ve heard no girl should ever be told.

I’ve felt broken.

I’ve felt alone.

I’ve felt shame.

Ashamed of my body.

Ashamed of my self.

Fear, sadness, anger and rage lived inside of my being.

They spoke to my core.

My belief system tainted.

I found the strength to fight back like a wolf,

I could taste the blood of my assassins.

I could smell the smoke of their cremation.

Freedom.

Free to take residence in my own body.

To take residence in my self.

To take a seat in my own soul.

No one else gets to live here…but me.

I’m Needy

need3I feel like I should be at a Needers Anonymous meeting and admitting this and then saying “AND ITS OK!”

I am the person who prided myself on coming up with, “I don’t need you in my life, I choose you.” And although that’s a lovely quote, the truth is as humans, we have needs. The biggest need being, to have a connection.

A need for other humans, to connect with them emotionally and physically. That’s why we spend so much of our childhoods attached to our parents/guardians; hanging onto their every word and affection.

We are born with unconditional, expansive love, its why children are so forgiving and accepting and loving, even of themselves. They are full of unlimited love and a need to connect with others. It shows us that this need for connection is innate and natural. It is through true connection with another that we get to feel the mirror of our own love.

A while ago, I had a pretty tough day and immediately started thinking about how badly I NEEDED a hug from my husband. Before I knew it I was in my car, heading straight for his office. (In the past I wouldn’t have allowed this thought into my consciousness let alone act on it…I must really be growing!)

Although I was texting to find out which office he was in that day and how much longer he’d be there, I didn’t tell him why. I was trying to ignore the words in my head telling me that I was being needy. At the same time I was too busy dreaming about his comforting arms around me providing me with safety and security, and the grounding I so badly needed in that moment.

I got to the parking lot and texted him to meet me by the back door (now looking back I guess I was acting more like his mistress than his wife!). I called him after waiting 10 minutes and getting no response to my texts. I waited a total of 30 minutes in the car before driving away, thinking a lot of nasty thoughts about him, but mostly feeling angry and hurt.

When he finally called me back, he explained was doing a procedure on a patient and was very apologetic. More importantly, he was so touched. He was honored that I came to the office for a surprise hug. He was happy that I thought of him as comfort to my hard day. I could feel the anger torch I had pointed in his direction fizzle. However, I couldn’t quite let go of the anger and hurt I was feeling towards myself.

I was so upset with myself for not being able to tell him that I needed him. Upset at myself for not being able to walk through the front door of his office. I heard the voice in my gut say to me “hey just go through the front door!” It even justified, his assistant and staff know you, just go in.

I didn’t have the courage to walk into the front door because of the idea that his staff would think I was needy.

Why was I so afraid to admit that I needed my husband?

If I had gotten into an accident and then walked into his office asking for medical attention or even just to see him, I would have felt like that was “acceptable neediness.” Really I have to be on death row to ask for an acceptable hug from my husband?!?!

Is it not enough that we are in a mutual relationship?
Is it not enough that I am human? That I have needs?

I don’t understand why my need…needs to be justified?

It doesn’t! I am the only one justifying my neediness. I am the only one worrying about what everyone else would say. If my husband is ok with me needing him and I am comfortable in expressing it, than what does it matter what anyone else’s acceptable-behavior restrictions are?

At the same time, if I don’t say what I need than people wouldn’t know. My husband didn’t know that I needed a hug. Just like he doesn’t know that I need him to simply say, “I love you” when we have a disagreement. He didn’t know until I told him.

By expressing my need, I freed myself. I connected to another person (my husband at that) and most important I found my courage and what a privilege it can be to need another…

“Don’t feel bad if people remember you when they need something…feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness.” ~Unknown

 

Photo Credit: goodreads.com