Its Ok Not to Forgive. We Need to Forgive. What’s True?

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Society communities, support groups, yoga philosophy is built on forgiveness. This idea you will feel more complete more whole, less pain, less stress.

What if I don’t? What if forgiving someone who purposely hurt me makes me feel like I did something to deserve it.

I bring this up because everything I read tells me forgive and forget. But what if someone hurts you on purpose. How do you say it’s ok and then move forward?

That feels more like an enabler then being the bigger person.

It feels like what they did was ok.

When you think about people that hurt children? Do you want to forgive them?

I don’t. Because these children blame themselves and shame themselves, and they grow up to be adults who are told you’ll feel better when you forgive. No! I won’t.

It’s ok not to forgive. It’s ok to know what they did was wrong and not want to forgive.. Not now not ever.

Forgiving in this situation means that it was ok, what you did was ok– and it wasn’t!

Listen I’ve been there, wearing shoes of the forgiver and the apologizer. Yes, forgiveness feels good. All around it feels good. But if you don’t want to and your insides are saying no, we aren’t going there yet… then don’t!

Take this a bit further to any relationship. Let’s say there’s an issue and you resolve it. Then 2 days later the person does/says the same things. You feel disrespected and now, unheard. You feel humiliated because it stings even more. It always stings more when a forgiven wound reopens.
Do you forgive?

I’m sure eventually you will. It’s ok in a moment not to forgive. It’s ok to wait and deal with your annoyance and anger. It’s ok to say “I’m not ready to forgive you.”

Actually it’s freeing. It allows you to set boundaries for what you will and won’t allow. It allows you to decide how people will treat you.

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

Forgiveness is not just a flyer you pass out hoping for peace. It’s a sacred right of passage into your life.

“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.” ~Webster’s Dictionary

Why would you want to wish your offender well? Someone who purposely hurt you? Victimized you? Abused you? Disrespected you?

Maybe one day. Maybe never. Either way it’s ok. It’s ok to stand by something and say it’s not ok, it’s unforgivable.

I believe in forgiveness don’t get me wrong. I think it’s very important. I just don’t think it’s always necessary in a moment.

It’s not a prayer. A sermon followed by an Amen. It’s not like a thank you which is usually followed up with an you’re welcome. We give out I’m sorry’s like candy. Let’s gain a little self respect and patience before we succumb to some martyrdom.

And screw anyone that tells you different. Because unless they are wearing your shoes– they don’t get to decide.

Once you forgive you let your heart open and let them into a space of gratitude.

It’s your journey. Don’t let anyone rush your forgiveness… It’s sacred.

I wrote this about two weeks ago.

There’s so much passion, so much strength, so much belief in it. I realize now I was mostly speaking from the victim perspective. Off my high horse.

I recently had an interaction where someone told me something I said was unforgivable.

Tan-ta-nuh-na (hear the sound of law and order gavel bang) sound of truth, sound of a lesson.

Truthfully, I wasn’t sorry I said it. It was my honest opinion about a situation and how I felt. But it hurt them. For which I am deeply saddened,heartbroken and sorry. It wasn’t meant to hurt it was how I felt in a moment.

In that moment I knew what it was truly like to be unforgiven. You can’t survive a relationship, you can’t have a connection if there is no forgiveness.

I know this and yet I myself forgot, and needed reminding. Thank you universe.

You as the person withholding the forgiveness. You will not be able to move forward. You will keep thinking about the words, the act, and you get to stay on your high horse because you get to be right. I know because I have been there. Many times.

Look around from up there, off your horse. Is there anyone else with you?

Usually it’s just you and your imaginary horse. No one to talk to, no one that understands, no one to love, and no fun. Just you and your memory of how you were wronged.

You have to be able to forgive if you ever want to put the shit behind you and be happy. Even the example of the acts done to children, at some point when you become an adult you realize that what happened made me stronger and smarter.

In my opinion I’m grateful for the lessons. As horrible and shitty as they were in the moment, but that moment has passed. I am no longer that person and I am no longer defenseless. It’s time to let the light in and stop guarding your heart from the joy and love it deserves. The only way to do that is through forgiveness.

Is there something you don’t want to forgive? Do you see it holding you back? Do you feel you replay the hurt over and over?

When will you shed that? Give yourself a time frame… 2 days, 2 months, 2 years because if you don’t have a time frame you will replay the hurt scene for a lifetime.

Don’t waste your lifetime. Forgive now so you can let go of old hurtful memories and open your heart to real enchantment.

Its liberating to be this way (see below)forgive

Image Credits:
wikihow.com
notsalmon.com

 

 

Back To The Future

Let me start by saying, I’m sorry. I’ve been missing for quite awhile. Please don’t mistake it for negligence, as I missed this interaction so very much. But as life goes…I was  living and experiencing and dealing with the circle of life. As anyone knows, getting back on the bike can be scary. It’s scary after 1 week, 3 months and then the fear takes over the longer you hold off.

On this new moon, a new intention to keep this conversation going… Here’s to falling off the wagon and getting bank on! ❤️

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Have you ever looked around at your relationships, your job, your extra-curricular activities, your circumstance, your daily routine…  your life! And thought I have no more change left to give? Like the maroon 5 song, I’ve spent all my change on you. And yet when I look around at my life, I can’t help but think where am I? Where’s the joy? The laughs, the fun?

I mean I’m not asking for unicorns and adventures. I have become a realist in all the change, and realize that life is ordinary. What else would it be? We brush our teeth, take a shower, get dressed, go to work, eat timely meals, do timely things. it’s important..very important, no one wants to live with grimy teeth and hangry mood swings for days. I mean I get it. Life is supposed to be ordinary. But where is the smiles, the laughter, the happiness?

Have you felt this? I remember when I was young, I would smile at the sky, laugh when unnecessary and rainbows filled the air around me. I was career oriented and family oriented and I’ll-try-anything-once, twice or three times-oriented. I was that girl who thought anything was possible and no person, place or thing could take my spirit! “Ain’t-no-one-gonna-tell-me-what-to-do” spirit!

Aww man. What now? Where do we go from here? Feeling like “I’m at a pay phone trying to call home, all of my change I’ve spent on you.” (Adam Levine 😍)

The only place left for me to go is back to myself. I’ve moved forward so much that I have lost me. I’ve changed so much I don’t know who I am. I’m sure you’ve felt it? Maybe you’ve been feeling it and I’m just catching up?

Either way, it’s time to go back! Back in time like Michael J Fox and back to the future and bring me up to speed! Really. This is unacceptable. I spend my life changing into what I thought was me, and I’m not sure I know this girl. Let’s rewind girlfriend and get that spirited girl back to the future!

What does that look like?

For me, atleast, it looks like saying “shit” without looking around. Heck saying anything about how I feel and being proud instead of guilty. It looks like smiling because you remembered a scene from Porky’s!! It looks like passing Go and collecting $200!(monopoly reference)
It looks like removing all the constraints of should be, should say, should do and doing the opposite! It’s fun! Without needing permission. We are the adults now. We choose.

Before the commitment of becoming daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, therapist, teacher, coach. I made a commitment to myself! Without remaining true to that commitment, I dishonor anything else I commit to. Because otherwise, we inevitably end up in a place, where there’s no more change, and the only place to go, is back to ourself. Your true nature. Your true spirit.

“When you become the image of your imagination, its the most political thing you can do!” RuPaul (yes, you better work!)

Just imagine that!! What it would be like to become the image of your imagination!

Don’t imagine.. Lets do it! You with me!

Photo Credit: knowyourmeme.com

If You Could See Yourself Through My Eyes

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What if you could see yourself from the eyes of your best friend?

You would probably see yourself as the bomb, the shiz-nizzel, or just simply beautiful. One of my dear friends reached out last week and said, ‘can you believe my aunt put an old pic of me on facebook! Its not even #ThrowBackThursday or #FlashBackFriday.’

I saw the picture and all I could focus on was her beautiful eyes, her innocent expression and her cuteness! She of course didn’t see the picture the same way, I can only hope in telling her what I saw that maybe even for a moment she could see it through my eyes and see her beauty.

It reminds me how very hard we are on ourselves.

We are our own bestest friends, being there to wipe our own tears, inspiring our own spirits to thrive and being the support we need to laugh at ourselves. And yet we are our own worst enemy. I don’t have any enemies in this moment because there is nothing they could think or say about me that would be worse than what I’ve already told myself at some point.

I said to my husband the other night, “I wish we could all see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us.” He responded, “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes and you’d see how wonderful you are.”

I, of course, said, “no offense Love, but if you don’t mind I’d like to see myself through our older daughter Neeva’s eyes.” (half joking, 100% truth). My daughter adores me! She absolutely wants to spend every waking moment with me and even on my ….lets call them “my not-so-nice days” she is there wanting to hug me and tell me how much she loves me.

I believe that mother-hood refers to the permanent space in your brain that is dedicated to your child from the second your baby is born. Even when your child isn’t around you think about her; you worry about her safety, and her pain or her joy takes precedence over anything you have going on in your world.

It’s the one thing I am in constant battle with myself over:
Am I a good mother?
Am I screwing them up?
Will they be traumatized from this?

And then I remember my daughter’s words one night as she cuddled over to me as we were watching tv, “Mommy, no matter what I do, I will always love you. You are the best mommy for me.”

I have to take a moment of silence to wipe the tears from my eyes as I write this. It really doesn’t get better than that.

She doesn’t care how I look, if I’m in my pjs or dressed up.
She doesn’t care if I clean the house or not.
She doesn’t care if I make dinner or order in.
She doesn’t care about any of the stupid things my mind tells me determines my worth as a mother. She just loves me for me. Silly, crazy, loud me. And she’s proud to be my daughter.

So what the hell is stopping me from being proud to be me?

Nothing. She reminds me of what I already know…that I’m amazing and beautiful. However, life doesn’t allow you to maintain this feeling all the time. So for the moments I can’t see or feel my own truth, I thank God I have people in my life who love me so much and are willing to show me, through their eyes, just how beautiful I am.

So I invite you to look through the eyes of someone who loves you the next time you don’t feel so good about yourself and think of the One Direction song that got it right…
“If only you saw what I can see.
You’d understand why I want you so desperately.
Right now I’m looking at you and I can’t believe
You don’t know oh-oh.
You don’t know you’re beautiful.”

Share with someone who needs to see their beauty through your loving eyes!

Love & Healing♥
Reshma

I Live Here

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The sadness that no baby should have to feel.

The unworthiness no child should live with.

The words I’ve heard no girl should ever be told.

I’ve felt broken.

I’ve felt alone.

I’ve felt shame.

Ashamed of my body.

Ashamed of my self.

Fear, sadness, anger and rage lived inside of my being.

They spoke to my core.

My belief system tainted.

I found the strength to fight back like a wolf,

I could taste the blood of my assassins.

I could smell the smoke of their cremation.

Freedom.

Free to take residence in my own body.

To take residence in my self.

To take a seat in my own soul.

No one else gets to live here…but me.

I’m Needy

need3I feel like I should be at a Needers Anonymous meeting and admitting this and then saying “AND ITS OK!”

I am the person who prided myself on coming up with, “I don’t need you in my life, I choose you.” And although that’s a lovely quote, the truth is as humans, we have needs. The biggest need being, to have a connection.

A need for other humans, to connect with them emotionally and physically. That’s why we spend so much of our childhoods attached to our parents/guardians; hanging onto their every word and affection.

We are born with unconditional, expansive love, its why children are so forgiving and accepting and loving, even of themselves. They are full of unlimited love and a need to connect with others. It shows us that this need for connection is innate and natural. It is through true connection with another that we get to feel the mirror of our own love.

A while ago, I had a pretty tough day and immediately started thinking about how badly I NEEDED a hug from my husband. Before I knew it I was in my car, heading straight for his office. (In the past I wouldn’t have allowed this thought into my consciousness let alone act on it…I must really be growing!)

Although I was texting to find out which office he was in that day and how much longer he’d be there, I didn’t tell him why. I was trying to ignore the words in my head telling me that I was being needy. At the same time I was too busy dreaming about his comforting arms around me providing me with safety and security, and the grounding I so badly needed in that moment.

I got to the parking lot and texted him to meet me by the back door (now looking back I guess I was acting more like his mistress than his wife!). I called him after waiting 10 minutes and getting no response to my texts. I waited a total of 30 minutes in the car before driving away, thinking a lot of nasty thoughts about him, but mostly feeling angry and hurt.

When he finally called me back, he explained was doing a procedure on a patient and was very apologetic. More importantly, he was so touched. He was honored that I came to the office for a surprise hug. He was happy that I thought of him as comfort to my hard day. I could feel the anger torch I had pointed in his direction fizzle. However, I couldn’t quite let go of the anger and hurt I was feeling towards myself.

I was so upset with myself for not being able to tell him that I needed him. Upset at myself for not being able to walk through the front door of his office. I heard the voice in my gut say to me “hey just go through the front door!” It even justified, his assistant and staff know you, just go in.

I didn’t have the courage to walk into the front door because of the idea that his staff would think I was needy.

Why was I so afraid to admit that I needed my husband?

If I had gotten into an accident and then walked into his office asking for medical attention or even just to see him, I would have felt like that was “acceptable neediness.” Really I have to be on death row to ask for an acceptable hug from my husband?!?!

Is it not enough that we are in a mutual relationship?
Is it not enough that I am human? That I have needs?

I don’t understand why my need…needs to be justified?

It doesn’t! I am the only one justifying my neediness. I am the only one worrying about what everyone else would say. If my husband is ok with me needing him and I am comfortable in expressing it, than what does it matter what anyone else’s acceptable-behavior restrictions are?

At the same time, if I don’t say what I need than people wouldn’t know. My husband didn’t know that I needed a hug. Just like he doesn’t know that I need him to simply say, “I love you” when we have a disagreement. He didn’t know until I told him.

By expressing my need, I freed myself. I connected to another person (my husband at that) and most important I found my courage and what a privilege it can be to need another…

“Don’t feel bad if people remember you when they need something…feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness.” ~Unknown

 

Photo Credit: goodreads.com