OF COURSE! Who doesn’t have expectations! Even when we try to pray them away, or wear rubber bands around our wrists and snap them with every expectational thought we think (no? no one else is this masochistic?) ha!

The point is we know they are not good for any relationship. Especially not the one with ourselves, we’re setting ourselves up to fail. It’s also a “my-way-or-the- highway” thinking. Can you see why this would pose a problem when creating a “you and I are one” type of atmosphere with someone else?

So if one person in the relationship has an expectation, what happens if it doesn’t get met? Is it a deal breaker? And if its not a deal breaker then why have it at all?

We have them because they are taught. They are learned from observing other people’s relationships. It gives us something to hold on to. As long as you have this expectation, then the relationship won’t die, there’s hope. Does it sound stupid to you too? Hope of an unachievable reality.

An expectation is your egos way of a measuring the quality of someone’s love. Why does love have to be measured? If something needs to have a quantifiable measurement then its a rule and your rules may need adjusting where love, happiness, relationships are concerned.

Like in order for me to be loved:
1.     you always make me coffee every morning
2.     you should put away the laundry
3.     you have to praise me every single day

I mean when you put it that way, who’s screaming YAS! Sign me up for that relationship! Haha!! NO THANKS is right!

“Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world will change instantly.” ~Tony Robbins

Its that simple, just when I’m about to release the fury of an unmet expectation on one of my loved ones, I stop myself and replace it with an appreciation of them and it transforms our connection instantly.

The other day I was upset that everyone in my household, walked up and down the steps atleast 3-4 times and didn’t take even 1 of the 10 large items sitting in the path. I mean large like shoes, laundry baskets, musical instruments, hair brushes, things you’d definitely see. I had every intention of being right and making my point, can’t you see me now all purple faced with green warts rubbing my fingers together like “oh boy this will be good, I got a good point!”

Instead, I realized I’d rather have peace and spread happy, AND more importantly, I wanted to preserve my lovers spirit, so I said, “thank you for being so helpful. I’ve noticed you put your dishes away and bring in the mail every day, without me complaining or even asking. “

THEN…guys it was like magic! A miracle happened!! THEY were like no problem, I’ll take these very large items that I blindly missed before and put them away for you!

Ok so a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point, it got done and that wasn’t even the intent. The bigger surprise was the love in the room, the gratitude, the joy  that was literally palpable.

So now I’m still rubbing my hands together excited about this aw-spiring magic I have access to. It transforms relationships, moments and situations instantaneously, and what a beautiful gift to give someone!

Just in time for the holidays!
Wishing you guys an amazing holiday season!!

I appreciate every moment you take something you’ve read here and make it a reality. THANK YOU for being so kind and giving my words meaning. Either by sharing, doing or living our best lives! I truly appreciate you and love you!

Give the gift of appreciation!!
AND give yourself the gift of peace and love and happy!

 

PC: jonlieffmd.com

I went to a yoga class recently and the teacher chose to read a section of Sharon Salzberg’s column.

I will paraphrase it to say that we don’t have control over much, not our country, our town, our loved ones moods, we only have the 3 feet around us. A space that we get to make our own.

Isn’t that amazing! What a lovely way to put it. We only have a direct affect on the three feet around us. This to me was so AHHHHH for so many reasons:

1. Its sacred space so what goes out and what comes in is also sacred
2. I get to choose what goes in and out its my space
3. What if everyone did this?

I can’t speak for anyone else, I know:

• you should be the change you want to see ~Gandhi
• when you let your light shine, you give others the permission to do the same ~Mandela

This concept for me was mind blowing. It completely swept me off my feet this idea of the 3 feet around me. It reminded me of a moment I had with my mom almost a year ago. I felt like I just needed a “real” hug from my mom. Real, because to me a hug is heart to heart, arms wrapped around the other person, completely presence, and only letting go when there is a sense of relaxation in the breath.

Its probably an Indian thing, but my hugs with my mom for the last 30-(Cough!) years are side hugs, or a variation of cheek to cheek touching or awkward placement of hand on shoulder or back (I can’t even put it into words because its so strange).

We were going to visit my parents that weekend and I had psyched myself up that I was going to be brave and ask for a hug, or throw myself on her and just hope for the best. So we get to my parents house, my husband and kids walk in do their thing (side note: kids always get a full frontal hug, like heart to heart, tight squeeze– yes you probably are sensing some jelly). I walk in last and everyone has dispersed through the house and its just my mom and me. 7 feet of distance between us standing in the front door/living room area., I feel like some Adele song should be playing in the background. My mom asks me, “ Do you need anything?”

DISCLAIMER: all this is said in Gujarati where there is no word for hug, sacred, space, or even communication. Seriously the language is meant for farmers. So I am doing my best to put it into understandable English (wink).

I said, “Yes, I need a hug. You hugged everyone else when they came in and not me.” She replies, “Oh is that what happened..ok. Here.” Walks in and BAM! Full frontal hug! I am proud to say I have been a member of this club for the last 9 months. Ha!

It was not easy, I know it sounds like such a silly example to some, but to me I was super nervous, I could feel the tingling throughout my entire body, my heart was in my stomach or stomach was in my heart, however that goes, the entire 2 hour drive down to them. I was rehearsing the many scenarios that could potentially occur. Sounds absolutely like I should be on some freak show. ITS A HUG!

BUT looking back, I realize I was scared for wanting my moms love to enter authentically into my sacred space. I was tired of our inauthentic expressions towards each other in moments where clearly what we are feeling and what were doing/how we were interacting are not in harmony. Someone has to change the template, otherwise where is the growth, where is the legacy you leave, where is the expression of your sacred self?

In this moment, months later, I realized most of the expressions I’ve had or others have had around me are by my choice, especially in the 3 feet. No one has entered the space if I didn’t want them to, with their negativity and blame and inauthenticity (man you better get outta here)! AND more important, I put out into the space what I want the world to see from me: love, joy, peace, CRAZY.

I’m still human, growing, learning and being is a part of the process…this has helped me greatly in seeing my truth and also in seeing others.

I wish for you, all that you want to see in your sacred space and the courage to make it happen 🙂

Have you ever felt lost, like where are you, who are you and where do you go from here? Ever wonder why you’re so angry or so sad most days?

What a sucky feeling. Truly the most uncontrollable, agitating, feeling and you’re not sure why you feel this way.

A feeling that something outside of you is controlling you. Whether your boyfriend or your family, or even sometimes the need for a materialistic item like a purse or a car. It controls your every emotion. It controls whether you have a productive day. It controls whether you feel like getting out of bed.

Yes, it is the worst feeling in the world. This feeling that something or someone outside of you controls you and your every move. This is the feeling of giving your power away.

Have you ever felt this?

I mean it can be something as simple as a store not having the handbag you wanted and so now you are sad or frustrated and you can’t think about anything else until you get it.

It can be as deep as walking into work every day knowing, first that you’re at a job you don’t really like. Then realizing your boss determines how good you feel about the day, and lastly, the paycheck ain’t cutting it for you, so you get nasty, angry, resentful or just plain defeated, so now you are completely …..YES, LOST!!!

You know that situation, where you have a choice to make, and then you think what will my mom say, or my grandpa, or my neighbor’s sister’s daughter (HA!). SO you make the choice that is comfortable, the one that everyone else will be happy about (or so you convince yourself).  Its safe, it doesn’t rock the boat, but its not what you really wanted. Now you’re annoyed, moody, and you know why. YES, because you gave your power away!

I guess we never think about it this way, I never did. I spent my life giving my power away to those I love. I think its because I’m a people pleaser, or maybe because I got to play the victim; by using them against myself, to control myself, to play it safe and not take risks, to be just content instead of truly happy.

See those whom I love don’t truly care what I major in, or where I work,  what school i went to, what I wear, how silly I am, or how much TV I watch, yet, I use them as an excuse to stop myself from doing what I really want.

I guess I’ve given the power away a lot of times in my life. I realize it, and I fix it. But I don’t learn, or rather, my ego is gets smarter, it slickly finds something else for me to give my power to.

Oh my ego is a genius. It does this so I don’t have to be responsible for my choices. I can say, “YOU MADE ME…”
“You made me feel this way.”
“You made me be this profession.”
“You made me…”

Because of A, I am B. Its so much easier than saying, because of B, I am B. Get it. Like I did this because I wanted to. I made me do it.  I am the reason. Why is it so hard to say, I am doing this because I want to?
1. Because its so scary
2. So we have someone to blame when/if we fail or aren’t happy
3. Because we feel selfish, guilty, and unsupported making our own choices

It takes a lot of courage and self-respect, and most important confidence and truthfully a lot of sanity, to own your own power.

Knowing what I know about dis-ease and the body.  This giving away of our power is where issues like depression and chronic fatigue start.

So its time… LETS STOP this bullshit! But how? How do you move forward, how do you take the first step to making a choice that is not related or validated to an external source?

Just like that. You now realize something else has your power. Take it back. You realize the thing that controls you. Then you make a choice that it won’t. Lastly, you do the thing you want, consciously, mindfully. You take a baby step in the direction you choose.
Maybe today its one less time you get frustrated.
Maybe its just waking up and smiling.
Maybe its saying something kind to someone.
Maybe its saying how you feel when someone asks you.
Maybe it’s a bigger leap into a new job, or taking that trip, or starting that music lesson.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. ~Dr. Seuss (Happy Belated!)

Whatever you do…make it your choice, and take your power back!
Here’s me posting what you may think is cheesy.. but its what I see, when I think about taking my power back! All while hearing  The Power by Snap. (“I’ve got the power”)

Do you see a particular pose, or think of a specific cheer, or do a certain dance when you think of getting your power back…Share it with us. After all, it takes a village. We can be a village together 🙂

Photo: http://www.eurweb.com